Update from Haiti - CRUDEM

Here is a letter Charles Dubuque just sent. The letter is from a St. Louis doctor Bill Guyol. He is a parishioner at Immacolata and on the CRUDEM board. He has spent several weeks at the hospital and here is the letter he wrote after returning home after a week at the hospital. Just amazing.

Bill Guyol is an internist in St. Louis & a fellow Board member of CRUDEM.

He has an incredible passion & commitment for our mission.

Here are his reflections from his week at the hospital.

Charles.

"Dear Friends,

The Crudem Foundation started 25 years ago when a man recovered from a fatal disease. This man decided to devote his life to serving the poor and went to Haiti. He started delivering care and performing surgeries under primitive conditions. Soon friends, fellow parishioners, physicians and many others contributed to his work. Hopital Sacre Coeur grew into an institution that cares for 200,000 persons in northern Haiti with medical volunteers and supporters from all over the world.

This past week God continued to show his hand. We had a neurosurgeon on our team. He wondered if there was anything he could accomplish in Haiti. A physician in Port au Prince had heard of his arrival and sent us a baby with hydrocephalus. The neurosurgeon performed brain surgery to shunt the extra fluid away from the brain. Soon the word was out and many other babies were referred to us from near and far. The first child was brought to us by a pair of German pilots flying a helicopter that was sponsored by a German charity. They were impressed with our capabilities and on their next trip offered us 50 hours of air time to bring patients from Port au Prince. The trip after that they offered us exclusive use of their helicopter and said they would try to bring another, larger one.

We sent two of our orthopedic surgeons down to evaluate the University Hospital in Port au Prince, now staffed by Navy surgeons. We found that they were operating in tents on tables or desks using Black and Decker power tools. They had no autoclave to sterilize instruments and so were using dirty tools and stabilizing fractures with unsterile devices. Their methods were primitive but they had no other choice. We brought them a small autoclave sterilizer. They cried in relief. These patients all had infected fractures and needed antibiotics and then advanced orthopedic procedures to provide them with definitive closure of their fractures. We are the only facility in Haiti capable of doing this. Thanks to the Germans, we now have a helicopter to transport them to our hospital and the ability to discharge our patients back to Port au Prince (if they have family and a place to go).

Mid-week I was in a panic because most of the medical team was leaving. We would be left with about a dozen nurses and physicians to care for over 250 patients for several days until the next team arrived. That was the day Sabine arrived. Several weeks ago, Sabine, a member of a Haitian American heritage group from Charlotte, NC, contacted the Crudem Foundation and then me. They sent medical teams to a number of places in northern Haiti and wondered if we needed some of their personnel. I was not sure if or when they would come. The group came on a miserable, rainy, muddy day. As our maintenance crew was shoveling gravel onto the driveway to help with the mud, up strolls Sabine, a glamorous Haitian-American woman in high heels. High heels in Haiti! I gave her group the tour. They soon offered their physicians, nurses and physical therapists to help us. When it was time to plan our departure, we had no head nurse to take over. Heather arrived unexpectedly. A cousin of one of our volunteers, she told us she planned to stay for three months. Heather is an from Liverpool and has a cute little Beatles' accent on the walkie-talkie. Problem solved.

How is it that these things occur? How is it that through all the twists and turns and decisions in my life that I find myself in a position to participate in this extraordinary work? I am anything but extraordinary. I know this. How did this happen? It happened because of all the opportunities that God has provided for me throughout my life (many ignored), I said yes this one: I answered an invitation to go to Haiti several years ago. I fell in love with the people and the mission. It was a simple decision and it allowed me to participate in something extraordinary.

I believe that God has had a hand in the development of the Crudem Foundation as well and has guided us to this moment. We stand now as the only referral facility in all of Haiti; the only one capable of performing advanced surgery; the only one capable of relieving the suffering and restoring the function of thousands of victims of the earthquake. This may have been His plan from the beginning. As our board meets this weekend to plan the future of the hospital, please pray that we can find a way to continue our work to serve the people of Haiti, especially those so horribly injured by this earthquake. Pray that we find the means to accomplish this and the will to persevere.

Bill"

Grant To Fund Recycling Carts

Here is the article from the Webster-Kirkwood Times from today, written by Megan Murphy:

"Residents of Warson Woods may soon be getting wheeled carts for their recyclables.

The city has received a grant that will cover 90 percent of the $36,000 cost to purchase a container for every household. Solid waste contractor Veolia has also agreed to chip in to help cover the remaining amount.

Warson Woods aldermen hope this measure will encourage residents to recycle, noting that up to 80 percent of household waste can be reused.

In the meantime, the board will extend its contract for Veolia's environmental services, while researching future waste removal needs through resident surveys and town hall meetings.

Pending community approval, residents could receive their new recycling carts as early as mid-summer."

Ste. Gen. Men vs Sbaba

A 9.30 p.m kick off on a Sunday night was hard on the body clock of the Ste. Gen. Men. We welcomed 2 newcomers, Mike Martin and Joe Parmelee. The opponent was a tough Sbaba team we played once before.

The first half was a succession of little mistakes that translated into an easy 6-1 lead for Sbaba. Not only that but a tough ref. was giving Sbaba all the calls. We felt crushed...

The second half was much better. Buzz was doing a great job coaching us. Mike Martin was very vocal on the field and impressed me with his trash talking - a quick "Fell Better thought" to our teammates John Simon and Pat Carse who are both recovering from a knee injury, Pat was our Trash Talker in Season 1 of the Ste. Gen. Men. We contained the Sbaba team but we failed to score. Sbaba won 8-1.

As of now we are still third to last in the ranking or 13 out of 16. Tough game coming up next Sunday but we feel good about the progress we have been making.

On a side note, as we were having a beer after the game, my friends from the Big River Running Store, led by the always smiling Matt Helbig, was taking on the Turfscape team who incredibly showed up with no sub! After a rocky start for Big River, down 2-0 very quickly...ouch...

...a strong shot from Ben Rosario - I believe the shot was deflected but ended up in the box - put Big River back on track. They ended up beating their nemesis 5-3, and are now enjoying a 3 game winning streak.

No, I am not talking about the Big River Running team to get 20% off, on my next purchase at Matt's store, I just like these guys who can play 50 minutes without breaking a sweat. Although Matt, if you feel like offering a deal to my readers, be my guest!!

To be continued...

How the Women of WW. should treat their Husbands

I just received an email from Joan Thompson & Mimi Twardowski who suggested I should put the following article on the Blog.

I really want to thank you, Joan and Mimi for thinking of us - The WW. Hubbies- You girls rock but I might have to confirm the facts with Mark & Greg to see if you actually apply these principles on a day to day basis.

Click on the picture to enlarge - to enlarge the picture I mean.

Wings in the City - Enjoy the Butterflies

A Press Release went out yesterday early morning about Wings in the City --- already it was mentioned on Fox 2 News yesterday morning and today it is in the Post!!!

Check out today’s paper, Community Section, under “Breaking Schmooze” or follow this link:
http://interact.stltoday.com/blogzone/deb-petersons-breaking-schmooze/

Sally Gelfman who is working on our PR is fielding phone calls and emails from different tv stations and publications now!!!! So exciting!!!

The website is also up and running – please visit: www.wingsinthecity.org --- it looks fantastic!!!!

Restaurant Review - Sanctuaria in The Grove

We went out on Valentine's week-end to Sanctuaria to listen to live Flamenco music and enjoy the performance of 2 lovely Flamenco dancers.

We had no reservation - good job here James - but we received a warm welcome and were sitted around the bar area.

The crowd is eclectic, the place is busy and the atmosphere is not as Gothic as depicted on their site. You don't feel out of place.

This is a Tapas Menu. After a nice cocktail - great selection by the way, we picked 5 small plates.

I must confess I was blown away by the food. Chef Christopher Lee, a St. Louis veteran, totally surprised me with some very innovative dishes including the Cabrelas Cigars and the Vaca Frita. The grilled Lamb Chop and the Shrimp were great miniature dishes with a very nice kick.

Service was perfect, great timimg, plenty of smiles.

Chef Lee came out a few times to bring the dishes himself. Despite a busy night, we talked for a little bit. Very low key but extremely professional.

The prices are reasonable. Overall, we were positively surprised. Good change of pace from the traditional restaurant scene in St.Louis.

I will go back to Sanctuaria - live music every Thursday night by the way.

Update from Haiti via Charles Dubuque

Here is the latest from Charles Dubuque:

"

Steve Reese’s father Carlos was instrumental in creating the CRUDEM Foundation with my father. Steve is a fellow board member from St. Louis & just returned from a week at our hospital.

Last week I had the opportunity to spend time on the ground at our hospital in Milot. It would be difficult to do justice to what I experienced in anything less than a War & Peace email but I will try to give you the Readers Digest version and would be happy to add additional flavor for anyone who wants it.

First, lets say that the trip was the perfect definition of the yin and yang of life. My trip was sandwiched on either end with donated corporate jets that transported our team to and from Cap Haitian. In between those points life was a little bit more challenging. The most appropriate opposite to our flights may be the fact that we encountered a roadblock on the way to the hospital one day that was caused by a dead mule, rotting in the middle of the street, its saddle still attached......

I want to give you a little context on where we are in the cycle of this disaster. As of last weekend, we were essentially transferring out of the first phase of the crisis. Phase 1 was the MASH period dominated by amputations, emergency surgery and chaos. We are now in Phase 2. This consists of wound care, infection control and physical therapy needs. While slightly less chaotic than the first few weeks, it is still taxing and unfortunately may be just the calm before the storm. Phase 3 is what we are desperately trying to prevent - infectious diseases. Sanitation is an enormous issue. Our tent hospital has one functioning water spigot to service over 250 patients. We built one shower while I was there and onsite latrines still do not exist within the tent compound. Malaria, Typhoid and Cholera are lurking issues that we are trying desperately to avoid.

Our facilities are still taxed for both patients and volunteers. Our patient count is at 324 with roughly 60 volunteers. I spent the week sleeping in tents awakened by the local roosters that think dawn comes somewhere around 4:00 am. Days were challenging, fulfilling and exhausting. Here are just a few nuggets from what went on:

A military chopper arrived with one patient, a little boy ( 18 months +/-) with one amputated leg, a t shirt and a wrist band labeled 'baby boy'. They had no other records. The doctor who received the boy was so taken by the child's loss that she immediately felt the need to give him a new identity. Dr Karen named him Jean Pierre and the rest of the staff added the doctor's last name, Schneider, in her honor. Within a few days Jean Pierre was recognizing his name. But how will Dr. Karen explain this situation when she returns home? She is actually Sister Dr. Karen and the convent may have a few questions.
We finally have everyone off the ground! In growing from 70 beds to 400+, we obviously did not have the required facilities. After 3 weeks we now have enough cots for everyone and we are beginning the process of upgrading where we can to beds and mattresses. In that effort, Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines has been a great partner. In addition to delivering food and supplies they have donated roughly 40 mattresses. They will look a little unusual though, since they came off a cruise ship (three square corners and one rounded!)
Bed sores and infection are a huge lurking issue and can be a death sentence. We are trying to force patients to get up and move but it is a challenge. One day we took a slightly unique approach. We organized all the children who were somewhat ambulatory. We taught them a few songs in English (including a few lines from the Notre Dame fight song courtesy of the surgeons from South Bend) and then organized a parade through the adult wards. When the adults saw what the kids could do it certainly shamed them into trying a little harder and we were able to make some headway. Scenes of this parade are at the end of the video link I have attached at the end. The footage is a little rough, but if CNN would have been there this would have gone global!
Last week we were the first group to successfully fly patients out of the country for treatment since the Idaho Baptist fiasco. We sent out a total of 10 patients with most of them going to Shiners' hospitals around the country. The experience was maddening. The rules of the game were always changing. Ultimately we had to have the Prime Minister approve every transfer since every other agency was pulling a cya, not wanting to be even potentially linked with child trafficking. One of these children flew back with me to STL. The story was on the front page of this morning's Post Dispatch and I am attaching the link below.
The most emotional period from last week also involved the transfer of another child to a hospital in the Dominican Republic. We thought we had all the logistics buttoned up. This girl needed immediate treatment that we could not provide with a remaining life expectancy less than two weeks. She was being coppered from our soccer field to Port au Prince where Dominican officials were to pick her up and take her the rest of the way. Step one went off with out a hitch. But 6 hours later the girl's father approached me and let me know that no one had picked up the girl and her sister and that they were sitting on the tarmac in PaP. I have felt like *&^$ many times in my life, but I have never felt lower than looking into the eyes of a father who had trusted us to take care of his daughter's life and we were letting him down. Needless to say we scrambled the phone lines immediately. We found a way to get the girls to a tent hospital next to the airport and ultimately we did get her to Santiago. What was supposed to be a 6 hour journey took the better part of 2 1/2 days. She made it and I aged a few years.

I could go on with more stories, but hopefully you get the idea. I am attaching two links to the bottom of this email. One is the link to the Post Dispatch story I referenced above. The other is a link to a video that Joe Garcia's team pulled together while we were there. Joe was the chief volunteer physician for part of the week. He ran a team of orthopods from South Bend and they did spectacular work. Please take a look at his piece. If it does not come thru let me know and I will send you another link.

In order to save the size of this email, I will also be sending a second email with just a few pictures.

At the end of the day, I want to thank you all for your support and ask that you continue to remember the people of Haiti. As with all disasters, the press coverage fades, but the need lingers for a long, long time. Thank you.

Garcia Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDo6ibXOJDQ

Post Article: http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/stlouiscitycounty/story/DEFBFA9AFFA7DC34862576CB0015DA14?OpenDocument

"

Ste Gen. Men vs Strikers

Facing the Top Team in the League couldn't get an easy task for us. Bryce being on family duties, Dave brought a friend Rick to play Goalie. Unfortunately, as we were warming up, a shot from John Simon dislocated Rick's right pinkie, and despite Imran's efforts to pull it back in place - that was not easy to watch - the poor Rick had to go home to get treatment.

So, John Garza decided to take his place. Not for long actually. A shot from a Strikers player hit his liver and after few minutes on thr ground, he had to leave his spot to Randy - thank you Randy for stepping up big time! John was ok to play but not at the golie position anymore.

The Strikers are really good, really young and really fast and organized. We were down 3-0 after 5 minutes and noone was smiling.

But as usual, we started to turn in on and after some minor adjustments, we got back in the game. We flexed our aging muscles and scored twice.



Great hustle and man to man coverage were the keys to keep the game close. 5-3 at halftime, then 8-5 with minutes to play. Randy delivered a great Golie Performance. Fritsch and Zoberi were terrific on defense. Garza, Buzz and Rich showed great speed and skills. Simon and myself managed to team up on a couple of goals, although John was mad at himself for missing some open shots.



With a 10-5 loss to the best team in the league, and a total of 10 goals scored in our first 3 games and despite a tough schedule coming up, there is room for celebration. We are not in last place, actually third to last now with 5 games to go.

CERT Training Update - Thanks to Berta Jones for the info.

Community Emergency Response Team Training
The Glendale-Warson Woods CERT Program will host its third Basic CERT Training Class in March 2010. Classes will be held on Tuesday and Thursday nights with a practical exercise on a Saturday morning. Our 2010 Class dates are as follows:

Tuesday, March 2, 2010, 6 PM to 10 PM (classroom)
Thursday, March 4, 2010, 6 PM to 10 PM (classroom)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010, 6 PM to 10 PM (classroom)
Thursday, March 11, 2010, 6 PM to 10 PM (classroom)
Saturday, March 13, 2010, 9 AM to 1 PM (practical exercise)

The classroom portions will be held in the Glendale City Auditorium, 424 N. Sappington Road, Glendale, Mo.

The practical exercise will be held at the Warson Woods City Hall, 10015 Manchester Road, Warson Woods, Mo.

Anyone interested in taking this training, or if more information is needed, contact our CERT Program Manager,
Captain Chuck Helle, at (314) 965-7097 or chelle@glendalemo.org.

Haiti - Crudem Update from Charles Dubuque

Here is the latest:

"We had a documentary film maker come down to Milot the first week after the quake... he filmed about 500 hours of footage and he's editing a documentary now. It will be well worth watching when it comes out.

Two days ago he created this preview and posted it online. Please watch it and please pass it on!

I am so proud of our hospital & all those that have volunteered & supported us!

People wonder why I get so emotional when I talk of CRUDEM, well here is why.

http://www.vimeo.com/9236856"

Chris LaRocca is hosting a pre-opening party at his new restaurant Kota, this Thursday, February 11th from 5:00 p.m. until 8:30 p.m.

It’s a wonderful new restaurant venue that should be the talk of the town once it opens, so this is a great opportunity to have our friends be among the first try it out!

100% of the proceeds go to CRUDEM.

The cost is $60 per person. To RSVP please call 535-5577. They'll take your credit card number over the phone. Space is limited.

Kota is across the street from the Fabulous Fox Theatre. Parking is behind the Third Baptist Church or West of Grand on the North side of Washington.

Valet parking is located East of Grand on Washington.

http://www.saucemagazine.com/blog/?p=2630

http://kotawoodfiregrill.com/

Please spread the word!

I love everything that starts with "Behind the scene"

Have you done it?

What to do with your kids this week-end?

It is not easy to look like a Super Dad or a Super Mom every week-end.

By the way, I don't want to hear you say: "well, it is Superbowl week-end!". I know but the Game is not until Sunday late afternoon, so don't bail out of this week-end, Dads, because of a Football Game where the Rams are not even involved (and remember, there is only 10 minutes and 50 seconds of actual playing time over a 4 hour game!).

Well, let me throw you some cool happenings around town to help you keep your status of "Half Human - Half God" if your kids are under 5, or "Not to lame/embarassing Parent" if your kids are between 5 and 10.

What I will do:
- Train Expo Inc. at the St Charles Convention Center -saturday & sunday. It should be a riot if your kids are into Trains.
- Ice Skating at Shaw Park or at the Steinberg Skating Rink.

What I might do:
- Star Party at the Science Center. Families can join the St. Louis Astronomical Society for a free public telescope viewing, weather permitting.
- 92nd Orchid Show at the Mo. Botanical Garden. MOBOT is filled with color, beauty, and fragrance this winter thanks to hundreds of blooming orchids exhibited.

What I won't do (Can't overload the kids with activities either):
- YogaKids at Whole Foods - Town & Country. Michaela Turner, a certified YogaKids teacher, offers a four-class introductory yoga series for children.
- Storytime at the Magic House. February's Storytime Magic sessions feature the book When I Grow Up by Leonid Gore.

Update from Haiti

Charles Dubuque is carrying on his family’s legacy of helping the people of Haiti at a hospital his father founded.

Dubuque, vice president of Ronnoco Coffee Co. in St. Louis, traveled with a dozen local physicians and nurses last week to Hôpital Sacré Coeur in Milot.

Now, thanks to our new Men's Church Group President Joe Gunn, I am fortunate to get updates from Charles and his team.

I must share this one with you. It is so inspiring.

UPDATE FEBRUARY 3, 2010

As of today we have over 400 patients in the hospital ( Hopital Sacre Coeur, Milot, Haiti) and family members are arriving from Port au Prince. We need to feed approximately 800 people a day. We have been able to accomplish this task thanks to the assistance of local groups and our ability to purchase food. In response to my previous email many people have made contact with international organizations to help get food. We have registered our need with the UN clusters for food and shelter, USAID, Southcom, the helicopter pilots, International Red Cross and every other contact suggested to us. The process for obtaining food is challenging but I'm sure thanks to all of our efforts it will start arriving soon.

The patients and their families are very appreciative of the wonderful care they are receiving. Aside from some isolated instances of frustration from hunger the atmosphere is peaceful. Blessed Mother Theresa's Missionaries of the Poor arrived today and will begin to take patients and their families that can be discharged. They have 3 acres of land to house them and are close enough that they can return for post op care.

With the arrival of a new team from South Bend, Indiana our total of medical volunteers hit 90 today! For those of you familiar with our housing compound you realize what a challenge this is. They are sleeping on mattresses on the floors, in the sisters convent, and in tents. They eat in shifts and no one complains. The kitchen staff works tirelessly to provide meals for the volunteers without complaints. It is a wonderful example of the Christian focus everyone has on caring for the poor victims.

There have been generous donations from around the country but there are 2 that I would like to share with you:

1. When we first started planning our response we were contacted by the CEO of Caritas Christi ( a large catholic network of 7 hospitals in New England) Ralph De la Torre MD who told us that they would support the hospital's efforts with medical volunteers and supplies. They quickly put together a team of 13 physicians and nurses and sent them to Haiti by private plane. They have provided additional teams each week for the past 3 weeks. When they heard we needed space to house the patients Ralph and Jim O'Connor, the treasurer of the American Association of Malta, tried to obtain a portable hospital from the US military. Despite contacting the Secretary of the Navy and the head of USAID they were unable to obtain one. Undeterred by this Ralph found the company that makes the tents for the portable hospital and discovered that they were a subsidiary of an equity firm whose principle Ralph knew. After a conference call the tents were purchased for over $300,000 which was a discount from the usual price of over $500,000 and were shipped to us in 1 week ahead of other orders that the company had. The tents are now full of patients.

2. After we arrived in Haiti we realized that we needed new equipment to care for the seriously ill patients we were receiving. After contacting Philips medical for help, their CEO Steve Rusckowski sent a plane load of equipment including monitors for the OR and ICU, ultrasound machines, and ventilators worth well over $500,000. In addition to leasing the plane to deliver this equipment he sent 2 employees to assemble the equipment and train the staff for a week. The ICU has been full ( 12 beds ) since the beginning and lives have been saved with the assistance of this equipment. The equipment allowed us to increase our ORs from 2 to 5 and they have all been busy 12 hours a day.

As we enter our 4th week after the earthquake it is amazing what we have accomplished. Thousands of people have contributed to our ability to provide care for the victims of this catastrophe and fulfill our Malta mission to care for the sick and poor. We know that we will need to recruit 50+ volunteers a week to continue to care for these patients and to start to provide rehabilitative services for at least 2 more months.

Please continue to keep the people of Haiti and our volunteers in your prayers. Peter Kelly

Charles T. Dubuque

Am I ready for Kindergarten?

What a selfish statement! I should have said "Is my son ready for Kindergarten?", but I can't help it...

As I just finished touring Ste.Genevieve du Bois School last Sunday, the reality hit me hard. My son is on his way to Kindergarten.

I am sure, you parents out there know this feeling of having to let go. I believe the older your kids are, the more you Parents have to let go. So how do you prepare your child and yourself for Kindergarten? Any valuable Tips?

I am trying to find out who will join Harry next year at Ste. Gen. These new families will be tie to mine for the upcoming years. Between school, practices, play dates and car pooling, it seems to me a whole world is opening up while another one is slowly closing - thank God, I still have my daughter in Daycare.

I would love to hear from your past experiences.

By the way Missy Lewis & Dede Nigh, great job on these Signs I and others put in their front yards to announce the Open House at Ste. Gen. Although, since the words "Ste. Gen. du Bois" were so small, all you could read from far is "Open House on Sunday". To be honest, some upset and sad neighbours called me to find out why I was putting my house on the market!

Ste Gen. Men vs Big River Running - the Sequel

Our team welcomed new players: my friends Mark Brennan & Jim Malik, and Richard - I am so sorry, I didn't get your last name - The Roster is expanding as we get ready for our ultimate goal: play outdoor in the spring!

Facing the Big River Running Team, we have enough subs to manage our cardio against marathoners.

Bryce was still bothered by a sinus infection, but showed up like a true warrior he is. The rest of our team seems healthy. Garza is fully healed and so am I. It is time to play some soccer.

I am not sure why Big River was ahead 3-0 at the half, although I can point out some sloppy defensive plays and our lack of transition game - meaning with noone on our team at midfield, Big River would get the ball back quickly.

Despite playing from behind at the beginning on the second half, our team is pumped. Our newcomers have been terrific. Jim Malik, despite a bruised knee after a hard fall, is hustling on defense; Mark Brennan is settling down on the offensive side and Rich is simply a beast on all fronts - wow this guy can play!

Our efforts are finally paying off as we score not only once but three times! Rich on his own, then Brennan on the assist and Simon with the score and myself on the assist and Buzz with the score. We are tie at 3-3...

Our game is getting attention. The crowd is growing...



On defense, Roderick, Fritsch, Malik and Zoberi are very solid. Our players start to mesh with each other. But some of our 5 of the field create spaces for the opponent. The lack of midfield dominance is hurting us. Our 3 guys on defense can't relay the ball properly to our 2 forwards. Big River saw the opportunity and capitalized towards the end of the game with 3 more goals.

A tough loss as it seems that every week, we are getting better.

CHILI COOK OFF -

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Missourians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Me) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Missourians are crazy.
*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - SAINT LOUIS' AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilian aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report